My last post my ended with “I am learning to trust that even though I feel vulnerable and even fragile at times, I am likely the strongest I have ever been. I am taking the time to discover who I am; to explore and create a design of what I want my future to look like. I am still well aware that life might bring about experiences that I do not favour and that bad things do still happen to good people. But the more I know myself, the more I design my own path, the closer I am to being the unique, genuine and authentic me that I was always meant to be”. Today has been one of the most challenging days I have experience in a very long time and my very own words from the other night both haunted me and provided me the inner strength to keep walking.
Today I was faced with external circumstances that became very personal in the perceived (and maybe real) attack on me. In reflection of the day I still feel the instinct of fight or flight. I hear ego screaming “How much more can you really take, you are the victim in this story”. I also hear my spirit quietly whispering, “Just breathe!” I wonder if my new relationship with vulnerability will bring me to my knees. I see the confusion in my loved one’s eyes as my “I can handle anything drive” and “my big girls don’t cry attitude”, crumbles at my feet. I question if all that I have done and learned about myself is lost in a moment in which I need it the most. And then I realize… this is the gift of clarity! It is time for me to take that next big step!
There is a part of me that wants so desperately to say… I have been through too much over the last couple of months, I can’t possibly handle another big change in my life… Then my daughter says to me “Did you know that if the rate of external change exceeds your rate of internal growth, change will be forced upon you. And typically not in a way that is preferred or comfortable”. Uggg who raised this wise young lady??? So there it is… change is banging on my door again. And I now know if I don’t answer the door, change will just knock it down…it is coming whether I like it or not.
I will reach out for support (a very new experience for me). I will connect with old and new friends. And I will ask for help when it is needed. I will take that first step out the door and despite the discomfort I will embrace the thrill of the experience. I will continue to train my thoughts to see the positive in this situation and each new circumstance that will come after this. I will remember that I have all that I already need and with each step it will get easier and easier. I know in the depths of my soul that this is what is best for me. As I close my eyes, completely exhausted from the day, I find peace from within and from that comes a trust that slowly all the pieces will fall into place.
© Kathy Bazinet 2013