I wake feeling like I haven’t slept a wink all night. The source of this unrestful sleep is my unsettled nerves related to this days upcoming “adore you” photo shoot. Within a second upon waking my mind is already racing and the butterflies in my tummy fluttering in a fury. My body tingles with a nervousness that is almost overwhelming. But somewhere deep from within I can feel the excitement and as I lay there with my eyes still closed I breathe deeply and within a minute the scared to death feeling is replaced with a deep desire to once again step out of my comfort zone.
Today is another opportunity for me to come face-to-face with my body image demons and insecurities that have haunted me my entire life. And I am ready for this challenge. I am ready to conquer the last of these fears.
When I left the house I had no idea just how far out of my comfort zone I was about to go. I was mentally prepared for the “adore you” shoot. But when we arrived we discovered that a “Matthew” from marketing was there with a video camera in hand. What was one shoot had now become two. I could feel my old thoughts habits saying, “Kathy you are not pretty enough, not thin enough, not sexy enough.” My ego screaming “your hips are too big, remember your nickname from middle school was bubba hips. Your bottom is too big, remember that guy you liked back in your 20’s said so” Ego reminded me of all the “ugly” thoughts and stories I have entertained for far to long. But for the first time in my life almost as quickly as ego screamed at me, I remembered my practice of silencing my mind with my breath. In doing so the gentle whispers of my soul could be heard saying “Kathy I love you”.
The very talented photographer Lindsay O’Neil very quickly talked me into my role as a model. She created the environment for me to feel safe to explore being in front of the camera. And once in front of the camera I remembered how good it feels to do something that scares me, something that challenges my perceptions of self. I seized the opportunity to dig deep once again into my self exploration. I remembered how tasty life feels when I silence my ego and just embrace the adventure before me. I remembered that I am enough!
I embraced the opportunity to push past the false boundaries of comfort that my mind had created for my life and became alive within the adventure! Today I looked my demons straight in the eyes and realized that they no longer had a hold on me. And in that moment I felt freedom, my sweet freedom!
Thank you Lindsay, my friend, for this opportunity to face this challenge.
© Kathy Bazinet 2014
Photo Credits: Lindsay O’Neil