The knock is very faint…far off in the distance. “Hello can we come in?” Then silence. I listen closer… there it is again a little louder. “Hello can we come in?” This time I can not deny it, opportunity is knocking, inviting and encouraging me to open the door to my heart! And with a smile that vibrates throughout my entire being, I open the door wide open!!
Meeting new people and letting them into my heart has not been an easy thing for me in my life. I have lived most of my life guarded and even closed down.
The last couple of years has brought many wonderful practice opportunities. For much of it I have stumbled, fumbled and at times really made a mess of it. My old habits of being very quiet, reserved and distant, have come from the desire to protect myself. Often my behaviours of protection have been mistaken as being rude, snobby, and the actions of an introvert. In my attempts to safe guard my heart, often what I did was create the very thing I feared.
As this opportunity was knocking, inviting me to further shed those old unsupportive habits/beliefs, I wonder where and when the perceived “need” to protect myself had started. Very quickly the question was answered with the memory flooding back to me as if it were just yesterday… But yet this memory is from so very long ago. I was in grade eight and crazy about my new “boyfriend”. There was a group of us walking to the store for our lunch break. I remember feeling so special, proud even, as he held my hand. As we crossed the field for some reasons my boyfriend decided to take a vote “who thinks I should break up with Kathy?” This shocked me! But that was nothing in comparison to my surprise when my three closest friends raised their hands in support. So there it was… he dumped me. The betrayal I felt by him was nothing in comparison to how betrayed I felt by my girlfriends and even that was nothing in comparison to the betrayal I felt towards myself as I did and said nothing.
Old habits die hard and last night ego did a good job of trying to remind me of the past. The last six months have been incredible as I have explored freedom, vulnerability and love. And this was another opportunity to dig deep and play in the wonders of it all. Last night I had the honour of meeting two very special people. I was both delighted and excited that the opportunity had come. But as the time approached I could feel the fear and hear self doubt getting louder and louder. My ego questioned “What if they don’t like you? What will you say? What will you do?” My ego with militant tone barked out “remember to be quiet, observe, and no matter what you do protect your heart. This could be the kind of hurt that you would never recover from”.
But this time I thanked ego for its attempt to protect me; ready to fully embrace my life and all of the beautiful opportunities that present before me… ready and willing to fully live within my vulnerability. I have come to know love and fear can not exist in the same moment and I am choosing love. I smiled deep from within my heart and with eager anticipation and the intention to enjoy, explore, embrace and love, I walked through the door. Before our eyes even met I knew that a deep, profound and blessed love was awaiting me.
© Kathy Bazinet 2014