The room is cold, damp with a musty smell. I am waiting patiently at the garage where my truck is being fixed. Feels like I barely made it in… as my truck sputtered along this morning as if it was begging me to put it to rest. But that is not what is really on my mind. Just a momentary distraction. What is really going on is my attempts to distract myself from the fears that are bubbling just below the surface. I received a call last night informing me my mom had failed her heart stress test and was now in hospital… In 2008 this happened also and the result was a five heart valve transplant (three major and two minor). I remember that call was not too different from the one I got last night. And I remember back then also telling myself that worry was not in my vocabulary. The next day I had my first symptoms of MS* brought on from the stress. My body spoke my truth of worry even when my mind tricked me into denying it’s existence. So lesson learned right… apparently not yet… lesson still very much in progress…
I do have a healthy understanding of life and death. I do accept and appreciate that life is precious and when our time is up it’s about celebrating the life and transition. And yes I know things will be ok no matter when happens! I love my mom and she loves me. That knowing in and of itself is an amazing and precious gift. I am very blessed. But this time I am not going to deny my sadness and when the fear arises within as it does, I’m not going to pretend it’s not there. This is an opportunity to dig deep within and see where the fear is coming from and to learn on a deeper level the essence of my fear. I am going to gently remind myself over and over again that love and fear can not exist in the same moment but this time I will not deny the fear. I will make peace with it, surrender to it and then let it go as best I can. I will honour my feelings and I will refocus on the love… I am a lucky girl, blessed with the love of her mother… And I am so very thankful for that!
She is fiercely loyal, possesses a firey passion and is always nothing short of a straight shooter.
She is incredibly sensitive and naively thinks nobody knows that.
She loves deeply and fully and that tough outer shell is nothing more than the result of loving too much at times.
Her deepest desire is to make the lives of her children and grandchildren easier; making our worlds a better place.
She is probably the strongest woman I have ever known and yet there is a fragileness to her, resulting from wounds she rarely ever speaks of and tries so hard to hide from us.
She is my mother. I am loved by her and love her; that is a beautiful blessing.
* happy to say that miracle, spontaneous healing or misdiagnosis I no longer have MS (but that’s a story for another day)
© Kathy Bazinet 2014